Why am I in Love With you
by luukagu
Summary: Rin/Haru angst. After overdosing on steroids, Haru comes to Rin's side in hospital and confronts him.


**Warnings**: Drug abuse/mentions of sex.

* * *

It's late at night and this particular ward of the hospital is empty- save for two men behind a partition by the back wall.

Rin lies on a gurney with Haru beside him on a fold-up chair. All the nurses who'd held Rin down for treatment have gone home or back to their families. Rin is alone with Haru, now- alone with Haru and his thoughts.

'You promised you'd give up.' Haru murmurs into his hands. 'So why... why are we here... why are we having this conversation...'

Rin doesn't like it when Haru cries, and it doesn't help knowing that he's the reason for Haru's tears. He doesn't know how to answer and can't respond, anyway-his lips are stuck together from the recovery medication.

'Sorry.'

Rin whispers, because it's all that he manage-even forcing the word was causing him pain. A pump works to flush the drugs from Rin's stomach as he lies there and wishes that it hadn't come to this.

Rin waits for Haru to scold him, because he knows that it's inevitable. Rin has been in hospital so many times during the past month, and every time that Haru arrived he always came prepared with a lecture. 'This isn't how I wanted things to be,' or 'I hate it when you're like this-' Rin already knows that he's done wrong, so why does Haru go over these statements? Does it help him? It doesn't-it just chips away at his restraint, piece by piece until his self-esteem crumbles and he's back to the comfort of drugs again.

Steroids were the best: they just made everything so _accelerated_. They caused Rin to perform better and the aftermath was great, too: the first time he'd fucked Haru there had been drugs in Rin's veins. The truth was that those tiny pills gave Rin a greater pleasure than anything Haru ever could. And Haru knew this-and it broke his heart.

He knew that Rin was hooked on the pills: he knew that-if push came to shove- Rin wouldn't choose him over the steroids. But even so, he couldn't leave Rin alone-couldn't bear the thought of Rin tangled in I.V leads, alone as his heart failed him in the dim light of a hospital ward.

This was the first time that Haru has seen Rin conscious since their argument. Earlier that evening Rin had tried to give Haru some steroids, but Haru had refused and pushed him back. After Rin grew more persistent, Haru had slapped him-Rin then stormed from his house and disappeared for a few hours.

Rin thinks that during the time he was gone he probably slept with Nitori; from the look of grief in Haru's eyes, Rin guesses that Haru probably thinks this, too. And yet he'd come to hospital with Rin- he'd stayed beside him, despite that fact.

'I love you,' Haru tells Rin, and his voice breaks under the weight of the words. 'But these situations are tearing me- us- in half.' His fingers curl around Rins. 'Please tell me why I should stay here with you. Tell me why I shouldn't just get up and walk away-tell me why I should sit here with you each week and endure this.'

At this statement Rin grinds his teeth-Haru was the one acting all dramatic when _he _could barely breathe on his own: _he _was the one who'd been rushed into hospital after collapsing on Haru's doorstep, coughing blood and foaming from the mouth-_he_ was the one who'd been put through all that trauma, and yet _Haru_ was the one who behaved like he had a problem. Haru's words make Rin angry and he snatches back his hand.

But when his lungs begin to strain, Rin forgets his anger. He isn't strong enough to call Haru's name, so can only make noises and thrash his head from side to side. It didn't matter why he was angry because- in this moment-Rin is scared: scared he might die, scared of the pain-scared of not being able to see Haru again. If Rin could speak, he would say that he's sorry: that it was the drugs that broke Haru's wrist that time, that it was always the drugs when Rin said he didn't love him and that Haru had meant everything to Rin, always.

'Hush, Rin: it will be alright.'

Rin whimpers as Haru sweeps his hair from his eyes, kisses him on the forehead and tells him not to worry. Haru bites his lip to hold back tears, squeezing Rin's wrists as he forces a smile. His smile is the last thing Rin will see before he falls asleep.

Haru knew that Rin probably would never learn to stay away from the drugs, but he could sort of understand the feeling. After all-no matter what they experienced-Haru knew he would always be completely fixed on Rin.

For better or for worse, he wasn't sure.


End file.
